As a contributing writer for Philly Moms Blog, every now and then we get the opportunity to participate in their book club and this month we had the opportunity to read "What happened to the girl I married?" by Michael Miller.
Michael shares a story I am sure many married men and women can relate to; especially those that have children. It has to be more common than not that women who once worked full-time and now stay at home to raise their children full-time lose themselves over time. For women, it is so much easier to give, give, give leaving ourselves last on the list. It's how we're built. And if we make it a habit of doing this to ourselves, the people around us will just begin to consider it normal and they way we want things.
I am hard-pressed at times to remember exactly who I was before I became my husbands wife and my daughters mother. It seems like eons ago that I was on my own, caring only for me, myself and I. Who was that person before getting married at 25?? I still look the same with some additional poundage and gray hair creeping up on me. Just 5 years later I feel like I've let myself lose sight of myself a bit due to the demands a marriage and motherhood require. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about my life as it is (honestly I wholeheartedly believe our life is what we make it). And I don't think I've lost ALL of myself or sacrificed more than necessary for my family...I still spend time with my girl friends, exercise as regularly as I can (but not as much as I'd like), and have a business of my own that allows me an outlet for creativity and keeping my skills sharp. But it is who and what drives my decisions that have led me to feel like I've lost sight of myself. My decisions are mostly now based on:
Michael shares a story I am sure many married men and women can relate to; especially those that have children. It has to be more common than not that women who once worked full-time and now stay at home to raise their children full-time lose themselves over time. For women, it is so much easier to give, give, give leaving ourselves last on the list. It's how we're built. And if we make it a habit of doing this to ourselves, the people around us will just begin to consider it normal and they way we want things.
I am hard-pressed at times to remember exactly who I was before I became my husbands wife and my daughters mother. It seems like eons ago that I was on my own, caring only for me, myself and I. Who was that person before getting married at 25?? I still look the same with some additional poundage and gray hair creeping up on me. Just 5 years later I feel like I've let myself lose sight of myself a bit due to the demands a marriage and motherhood require. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about my life as it is (honestly I wholeheartedly believe our life is what we make it). And I don't think I've lost ALL of myself or sacrificed more than necessary for my family...I still spend time with my girl friends, exercise as regularly as I can (but not as much as I'd like), and have a business of my own that allows me an outlet for creativity and keeping my skills sharp. But it is who and what drives my decisions that have led me to feel like I've lost sight of myself. My decisions are mostly now based on:
"What is good for my daughter?"
"Would this be a good influence on my daughter?"
"Would this make my husband or daughter proud of me?"
"Would this benefit my family?"
"Would this be a good influence on my daughter?"
"Would this make my husband or daughter proud of me?"
"Would this benefit my family?"
Whatever happened to, "Is this good for me?", "Does this energize and motivate and inspire me?", "Is this what I want?"
At one point or another we hit the end of our rope or a fork in the road and it's our sign to make some decisions and decide whether or not to take a path. I think I may be there...the place where I matter most because if I don't take care of ME, I won't be able to take care of others. It's so easy to see that we need to nurture our own minds, bodies and souls to feel full, but so hard to do...especially when life gets in the way.
And I wish my husband was interested enough to want to read "What happened to the girl I married?". I don't think he gets the concept...and why I chose this book from our book club selections. Or maybe I'm not giving him enough credit and he gets the concept but has been so busy with his job and the stress of all the political junk that happens there that he just has no desire to come home and read a book that touches on the subject of how moms/wives can so easily lose themselves to all the demands of marriage and motherhood. Whatever the case may be, at some point I'm sure he'll oblige. He is a great husband and father; loves his daughter to pieces and always up for a hug. We've been together for over a decade and are truly best friends. I would just like to see him put himself in my shoes a little more often and see things from this vantage point. One day....
At one point or another we hit the end of our rope or a fork in the road and it's our sign to make some decisions and decide whether or not to take a path. I think I may be there...the place where I matter most because if I don't take care of ME, I won't be able to take care of others. It's so easy to see that we need to nurture our own minds, bodies and souls to feel full, but so hard to do...especially when life gets in the way.
And I wish my husband was interested enough to want to read "What happened to the girl I married?". I don't think he gets the concept...and why I chose this book from our book club selections. Or maybe I'm not giving him enough credit and he gets the concept but has been so busy with his job and the stress of all the political junk that happens there that he just has no desire to come home and read a book that touches on the subject of how moms/wives can so easily lose themselves to all the demands of marriage and motherhood. Whatever the case may be, at some point I'm sure he'll oblige. He is a great husband and father; loves his daughter to pieces and always up for a hug. We've been together for over a decade and are truly best friends. I would just like to see him put himself in my shoes a little more often and see things from this vantage point. One day....
Full disclosure:
This book was provided by the Silicon Valley Moms Group for the July book club.
This book was provided by the Silicon Valley Moms Group for the July book club.
6 comments:
this is such an interesting, heartwrenching topic to me.
I feel like I ask myself that question every ten minutes.
Am I still me? Was I ever? Is this me? gah.
So true. It's easy to put your needs behind everyone else once children come into the picture. Great post!
Love your post...and your questions. It is such a common theme - mothers thinking mostly of their family and not of themselves. At some point, we have to put ourselves back on the list. I struggle with this, having 3 kids, a busines and being pulled in all different directions all the time.
Sometimes I feel as though I've aged a decade in the past four years! It's hard work to take care of everyone else and keep all of the balls in the air. If we don't do it, who will?
i make nap time my time. it helps--but then it is extra frustrating when i don't get it. sometimes the chores are just too demanding...
Teresa,
Thanks for taking the time out to read the book. In your story, I hear my wife's words as she recounted how she felt 5-10 years ago. She didn't demand from me greater understanding and appreciation for her life at home with the kids, because she was empathetic about my life at work (long hours, high stress, politics, etc.) But she deserved the same from me, and I wish she had demanded it - it might have forced me to evolve sooner.
I know hindsight is 20/20, but if she had handed me the book back then and said, "It would mean a great deal to me if you read this book - it will only take a few hours." I believe I would have done it, and it would have created some healthy dialogue and forced some positive change.
In all the feedback I've received on the book, it's always most powerful when both spouses read it. Linda and I refer to the concepts in the book everyday and our relationship has never been better - 19 years going on 20. I hope your husband takes the opportunity to read the book too, and it helps bring your relationship to another level like it has ours. Thanks again and best of luck...Michael.
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